


Curse You, James Bond

by UnstableUniverses



Category: Cars (Movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Victorian, Crossover, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-15 19:02:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13037451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnstableUniverses/pseuds/UnstableUniverses
Summary: Goldfinger has taken over London. It's up to Mater and James Bond to go back in time and undo his reign of terror. But who is Me Glistening Quench and is he the true mastermind being Goldfinger's triumph?Written for the Unstable Universes Podcast.





	Curse You, James Bond

Sirens wailed down the streets of London. They raced towards the cities heart, which was currently being consumed in flames. Little bitch screams rang out everywhere.

A car rolled onto every screen in the city, and James Bond watched from where he was parked in Leicester Square. "All elected officials are dead, your royal family is dead, you have nobody left to rule you… except me," The car in question was Goldfinger, the pure gold Hummer had been trying to take down London for some time now, nobody thought he would ever be successful.

Bond buzzed over his telecom "Mater. It's time for plan B. Meet me at the rendezvous point."

"Tha Wut?" Came Mater's stupid American accent.

"Inside the face of Big Ben," was Bond's short reply, before he raced off. There was no fixing the damage that had already been done. His only option to save London was to go back in time.

"When are we going back to Mater?" Asked James Bond.

"Uhh, my research says that the person who's behind all this bad stuff is called Me Glinting Quench, and the only record of a racecar with that crazy name was way back in 1892.

"Then set the time machine back to that date. It doesn't surprise me that Goldfinger's crime syndicate goes back that far," Mr. Bond adjusted his hubcaps and rolled into the large time machine, Mater followed close behind.

There was a large flash and the sound of gears grinding against each other. The two cars shook together as they travelled back in time.

The Victorian Era was terrifying for Mater. Instead of the engines and parts he knew and loved hairy beasts were dragging everyone around. Cars had no ability to move on their own. It reminded him of retirement homes and he shuddered.

"We are going to need out disguises for this one Mater," James Bond said. He had already changed and was now a simple wooden cart with two stuffed horses attached.

"Well those don't look very real now do they?" Asked Mater. Mr. Bond just gave him a side eye and Mater rightfully let the conversation go.

"Hello boys," came a sweet and lovely voice over their telecoms.

"Hey that's ma girlfriend Holley Shiftwell," exclaimed Mater in excitement.

"Make that ex-girlfriend. We are through; you are just too stupid for someone as hot as me. As a parting gift I have outfitted your GPS's with the last known location of Mr. Quench. Goodbye forever," and just like that Holley's voice cut out.

"I'm sorry Mater. Let's worry about that later, I can find tons of hot Bond chicks for you to enjoy," comforted James bond, "but for right now we need to get going.

Mater was too stupid to understand what had just happened.

The two disguised boys made their way to the address. Trying their best to blend in with Victorian society. Mater fit in with the rest of the uneducated public, but his American accent was extremely obvious.

The house that the GPS led them to was a large Victorian style mansion. It had a wrap around porch and was made out of dark wood with large rounded turrets.

"Well, that's a house if I ever seen one," said Mater. He drove up the front walkway and banged on the door with one of his front tires. Mr. Bond wanted to do more of sneaky spy approach so he used his grappling hook to get up on the roof and sneak around.

"Hello Mr. Mater, I have been expecting you. Please come inside," said the mysterious car.

"Holy, I didn't even know I was ending gonna end up here. And I don't even look like me. You sure are a smart guy," responded Mater and he walked into the house, "This sure is a nice place ya got here. Me and my bud James came ta ask ya some questions."

"Who?" asked the decrepit wagon.

Mater turned around to point at his good friend James Bond only to realize he was alone in the sitting room with this strange car.

"Oh uh. Never mind. Looks like Mater is taking this mission solo," Mater parked in one f the car holders and prepared to begin his interrogation. "So tell me how you helped Goldfinger so I can stop it. He's doing some real bad stuff in the future that's making all ya Brits go up in smoke. I heard that it's you Mr. Me Glinting Quench that is behind everything. So tell me who you are and tell me you'll stop."

A loud thump came from upstairs as well as the sound of a machine gun firing. Both men sitting downstairs chose to ignore it.

"Well Mr. Mater. I would like to begin my response by saying that I have the utmost respect for you, and it is because of this respect that I will take off my disguise," the disguise of the beat up wooden wagon vanished, revealing a sleek red racecar with the flaming number 95 painted on its door.

"Lightning McQueen!" Mater screamed in happiness, rushing up to his bestest friend in the whole entire world.

"Mater no!" came James Bond's scream. His gob froze in a perfect circle as he sped down the ramp in slow motion towards the pair of ex-best friends. In the same slow motion Lightning McQueen popped open his hood and shot Mater right in his big fat face. Time sped up again and James Bond shot at Lightning McQueen's tires to keep him from running away.

"You were clever weren't you Me Glinting Quench. An anagram for Lightning McQueen. I bet you thought that nobody would figure it out. Luckily for me, I knew nobody would have such a stupid name and sent it to Q for further examination." James Bond said, he rolled over to the bar and poured himself a glass of triple distilled motor oil. "All of your men upstairs are dead, and I've rigged this place to blow. Goldfinger will never rule London, you're going to go down with your ship, and I'm going to roll away from the explosion slowly."

James Bond exited the beautiful country home and hit the button sending a huge mushroom cloud up into the sky.

The loud cry of Lightning McQueen rose out of the rubble as he slowly burned to death next to his ex best friend, "Curse you James Bond."


End file.
